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 I hate myself for ever listening to other women online telling me to self harm by getting with men. I hate the fact I did that to myself multiple times, not even when I was an adult but also when I was a minor who just wanted someone to care. Id have really bad POCD along with confession OCD, but I never knew what that was until much much later. Id confess all the thoughts in my head, I was very edgy and people noticed. Theyd egg me on, theyd give me the attention I wanted good or bad. This was during the worst isolation period of my life, the time during 2014-2018. I couldnt go anywhere due to living in a rural area, was stuck indoors with no escape from the abuse and only had the internet to turn to whenever I could. School was worse, especially since the one girl kept hitting me. This happened around 2016 or so, Not too long before I met Theo. I was 15-16. One of the guys made a special private forum dedicated to me so Ill keep talking about the pedophilia, he made a special server for me and managed to get nudes out of me. It wasnt sexting, as in he wasnt flirting or anything like that. It was more aggressive, saying he would get me in trouble if I didnt send it to him. Not just him but it was a small group of people. They werent my age yet it never really dawned on me at the time how bad that was. I dont know why. I dont know why I did any of that stuff. It was when I truly learned that if I act sexual with people then others will care about me, outside of the CSA that happened prior.  Beforehand I knew about sex but I didnt know what it meant, I still didnt really know what it meant during that time either. I knew I liked women both romantically and sexually, I didnt care about men at all, but I hated liking women because it felt disgusting for it especially due to my intrusive thoughts. I thought it was all connected, that there was just something wrong with me entirely. That I wasnt meant to have sexual organs at all, it all felt wrong. I really looked up to men, I could relate to them more than women. I wanted to be a man. I still feel like a straight man in a womans body sexually.

When I met Theo online, it was because he also wanted to mess with me due to my antics. Him and his friends. CJ, Ekat, Eli, Hailey....? I think. But it felt really special. I was so excited about it, this was during when I was already obsessed with Cave Of Shadows. The moment he decided to contact me was the moment my life changed forever.